Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
